Hi World of Tumblr, Ive been away for too long. Rarely updating - wait, never updating my Tumblr already. There’s too much to say, too much to talk about. I’ve been neglecting all of my blogs & it’s definitely time to get back up on my feet again. Words & pictures, personal thoughts basically & inspirations hoping someone would be able to relate? To get motivated? Inspired? You tell me.
& there I go again. Mumbling, writing incoherently. Well not exactly incoherent cause then you’d have to be there to actually listen to my mumblings. I’m really just typing out whatever that little voice in my head’s telling me. How ironic, without that specific little voice in your head you won’t be able to read any of this. In fact, ANY words in the world that you fathom according to the dialects you’re most familiar with. It’s like your brain talking. Whispering to you & only to you, you yourself & just.. You. It actually makes you wonder. Based on whatever that little voice in your head tells you to do, you do. It could be bad & it could be for the worse either. Psychological issues, I might say.
People would do crazy, bad things based on their own personal beliefs. It could be from the influence of a person they so very admire/desire/despise, you name it. The world is a funny thing.
Is it what the world does to people, or what the people does to the world?
It is definitely something to ponder about. Whether you’re brushing your teeth after you’ve woke up while you’re staring at your very own reflection, it’s extremely wonderful how your very brain starts creating scenarios on it’s own, or replaying you scenes of the past, the history.
Let it be, the scenes that hurt you.
Pains you to the depths of the core, to your very soul. Emotionally, or somehow physically, bruised. It could be the one where you either found out a tragic news of a lost of a soul who is either your family or anyone closely related - peace be showered upon them by the Almighty & let they be leading to the right path up above - or probably, something you saw which has the potential ability to disturb anyone emotionally? Traumatized, yes. Rape cases? Brutal murder where you unfortunately had to witness it either at a very young age or just witness it with your naked eyes? Probably isn’t capable of doing anything to stop it with all your might as both of your hands were tied by a rope that was too strong to break behind your back & just.. Completely useless? Or the partner whom you thought forever would be spent with & cherish each other’s love for eternity broke your heart, your utter soul, your dreams & thoughts & whatsoever shattered into tiny, sharp splinters that was too agonizing to even pick up even after you’ve mustered all your will?
It’s a very strange thing, pain. What it does to most people.
Younginnnn like a lil kiddo (Taken with instagram)
One of my favourite combination of makeups: Nude gloss & thick layers of mascara.
& yes I am completely aware that I am in need of another facial sesh. Ages since I’ve been. Honestly am jealous of people who has smooth &clean skin. Just.. how?
Rarely updating with the recent happenings, etc
I just turned 16, if that’s so much of a hoohaa
Not as sweet, if you’re wondering.
Nevertheless, grateful that I’m still breathing. Having a roof over my head. Healthy. Comfortable. Educated.
I’m trying my very best to look at things optimistically despite my decisions that I’ve made just recently. I wish to exercise more often than before, I usually slack off &procrastinate even more than keeping up with my wishlists. Sad case, guess it just runs in the veins.. :( I’ve got to stop
making so many excuses for myself.
Or the reasons for my happiness? …If that makes any sense at all.
I’ve also learned that one should never make someone their happiness. You never know how wrong &messed up things could end up to be. I mean, if you want to believe, then by all means, believe.
Have some faith.
That things would turn out just about alright with that significant other, perhaps? We fall, we get back up with both feet rooted to the ground. No worries, you can make it one day. You’ll forget about it all. Memories last, but it just doesn’t go much more from then on. What remains in the past, stays there. No matter how cliche it is, keep moving forward, never looking back. I wouldn’t say to "learn from your mistakes".
Not everything from the past could be a mistake. If it’s a mistake, one has to regret it. It’s natural for someone to be clouded with regret after each mistakes done in life. But not all
heartbreaks are mistakes, you see. Not all mistakes made are caused by heartbreaks. So you can’t actually say you’ve regretted it. I mean,
you were happy for awhile right?
It’s basically unexplainable. The feeling. That really safe feeling you get when you’re, you know. With that significant other, I guess? You feel like all your deepest darkest secrets are all safe with them. Like you just know that they’re understanding enough to not.. Judge. Yeah. &being naked with them, you just know it was the right person to trust your whole life - your whole heart with, actually. Oh wait, by naked, I don’t mean, literally naked. Oh no. Anyone could just stripped down with a swift move of their hands just as easily.. No, that is not naked.
Naked as in.. Opening up.
Telling them everything. Like your personal thoughts, that you never bothered sharing to anyone else. They’re not just secrets, just.. Thoughts. It could be any thoughts. Random ones. Happy ones. The depressing ones. The ones about your family, even. Everything.
I know it’s easier said than done, the term to move forward into the future. But you’ve really gotta try. You gotta be careful, you see. In that split second of even glancing behind could just ruin it. Ruin the perfect facade you’ve put on. That wall you built? Yeap. If you’re not careful enough, it’ll just come tumbling down, brick by brick, demolished like a bulldozer went through it all.
It’s like.. Taking a step back for awhile brings you right back to memory lane. But usually, it’s not a happy one. Your brain just naturally.. Brings you back to the ones where you were hurt. The most.
I don’t know.
I really don’t.
I guess holding on to a specific memory contributes to the amount of pain one is caused during that trip down memory lane. It sucks to know that the person you first had feelings for.. Just, wasn’t there
anymore. I guess? Like it was a completely different person. Crushed.. Of course you’re crushed. It’s like some other person took over them completely. Forever, maybe. &it was all because of that little distance. But then again it makes you think, you see.
Was it really because of that little distance that caused it all?
Or is it simply because..
You’re taken for granted. Or maybe they’re finally showing their true colours?
All these questions comes to mind, one after the other a little too fast. Confusion sinks in. Depression. &then you start thinking that maybe it was your fault? Maybe it was cause you weren’t doing your part? Maybe that was the cause of the distance?
But when you think about it more.. No. You tried your best. You did your part. You wouldn’t let your ego or pride engulf your whole nature up. It’s because you value the relationship more than.. Your ego. I guess. You were willing to do just about anything. But then again, you didn’t want to seem too desperate or clingy.. Then I guess,
everything started sinking in.
You don’t think you can possibly go a day without that person. Right? You did everything you could to save what was left of the whole thing, right? I mean, you did your best. It didn’t work. &then it hits you, from all the thinking. That person probably couldn’t care less.
That’s when you feel even more stupid..
Horrendous. Terrible. Shittier. Numb.
You feel like you were just someone to go to when the person’s just looking for someone to entertain them. They get used to the fact that you’ll always be there for them, whatever happens, waiting. You just feel shit. Like, really shit. From all of this pondering. That’s when you had to pick yourself up &start setting priorities straight. You can’t make someone your happiness. You know you can’t anymore.
But somehow, you can’t help but keep that little fire of hope ignited behind all these defenses. It still burns behind all these logical&rational explanations. You hope in the future that they would change,& everything goes back to normal once again. That hope that they’ll just turn around, shut you up &said,
hey. What can I do to fix things? Or something like, I’d want to make things right.
Some assurance that shows that you’re not a toy. You’re someone worth it.. Worth fighting for, despite how cliche that sounds. But then again, you know they’re always bound to
repeat the same mistake. The same thing. All over again. Because that’s just who they are. The person who was born like that, I guess. &that’s just you getting your heart ripped out in a blink of an eye.
No one said it was easy. It’s so far from easy. You wish you could easily walk away from it all, or take it as easy. You then feel even more
worthless, knowing the fact that they can actually live a day without you. If it’s easy for them to live a day without you, it wouldn’t be a problem if it’s 2 days. Then it’s 5 days. A week. A month. 6 months. 1 year. &the list goes on.
Then I guess, you’ll be forgotten by then. Over the amount of new people they meet. New friends.
That’s where you’ve got to pick yourself up, the small pieces up, put them together, chin up, head held up high, &smile.
You know that’s the only option you have. You would tell someone how you feel. How you actually, really feel. But then you’re smart enough to know that the last thing you’d want is to drag your friends into your trouble, or to drag them down. As low as your self-esteem. You’ve just gotta stay strong. There are more bigger problems than yours in the world. You’ve got to stop being extremely sensitive &dramatic. It’s not an option anymore. You just have to.
I didn’t mention anyone’s name but I’m sure you’re already thinking about that specific person’s name, right?
Woah did this post turned out overly emotional.. &to think I was going to be casual about it. Haha x
Taken with instagram
With the babes <3 (Taken with instagram)
Taken with instagram
Anna & I <3 (Taken with instagram)
Black vs blue :p (Taken with instagram)